The Intelligent N00b
by IAmNotTheWalrus
Summary: What would happen if Trailborn the Wizard created a gas that would make N00bs...intelligent? ActionAdventureHumor Rated K . Latest Chapter: Chapter 4, the Making of the Potion.
1. Prologue

Title: The gasp INTELLIGENT N00b! (Or So It Seemed)

Author's Note: I was walking across Lumbridge from Draynor Village to Al-Kharid, and a little ol' n00b was obsessively using the action "blow kiss" towards me…He asked me to "b his gf", I said no, he asked me if he could "haf ur sara skrt", I said no, ran into Al-Kharid(he didn't have enough money to get in), and I wondered…what if the world of RuneScape had… an Intelligent N00b?

Disclaimer: I do not own RuneScape, and I sure hope I don't own n00bs! Take em, I don't want em!

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Prologue  


Do you really think all Trailborn does in the Wizard's Tower is collect bones from random people wanting to complete a quest? Well, he doesn't. He has a clan of Wizards, clothed in blue garments.

But they aren't the mindless Wizards that some people train on, the ones that even if they're fighting a lvl-126er, they'll keep on fighting… They're just disguised as them. When no one's around, they'll meet in Trailborn's room and discuss softly…

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"Thank you for joining me, Wizards," Trailborn said to the five Wizards gathered around him in a circle. "We all know there is a large issue that can't be stopped."

"And what is that?" Wyrpin asked.

"The Newly-Joined RuneScape Users Who Do Not Have Much Experience In This Game, also known as, the N00bs," he said gravely. "Many brave soldiers tried to wipe out the N00b population, but either the men died, trying to escape the idiocy, or they just…came back. They are a horrible plague, my wonderful Wizards, a plague. But no, I will not do what other men have tried to do. I have a different plan."

"And what is this different plan, Wizard Trailborn?" Wyrpin asked.

"Patience, young Wizard Wyrpin," Trailborn said calmly. "The First Rule of Stories is to always have a dramatic pause before introducing a brilliant and powerful plan."

Dramatic Pause.

"Instead of wiping out the N00b population…" Trailborn dragged his words out longer and longer.

"GET ON WITH IT!" all of the wizards shouted.

"Oh fine, fine," said Trailborn, slightly irritated. "My brilliant and powerful plan is to not kill the N00bs, but create a gas that will hover over Lumbridge, making all of the n00bs INTELLIGENT!"

Pause.

"Well? Where's the applause?" growled Trailborn.

"Well…Wizard Trailborn…" started Wingstaff hesitantly. "With so many RuneScape players rushing in and out of here, how can we build a potion or a gas or WHATEVER it is you're suggesting we  
make, without it being spread across the land of RuneScape?"

"I knew you'd ask that!" Trailborn gleefully cried. "I have yet another wonderful invention! I call it…The Lab." Trailborn led the Wizards over to a darkened spot on the wall. "Here," he said, and distributed runes so everyone now had 100 Laws, 300 Airs, and 100 Labs.

"With the new spell I have given you called 'Lab Transport', you can transport to the Lab as long as you have 1 Law, 3 Airs, and 1 Lab in your inventory! Let's go!"

And then they suddenly disappeared, warping to the Lab.

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I know this was insanely short, but thisis just a prologue. Future chapters will be much longer! The next chapter (the beginning of the story, pretty muh) will beginwith the making of this Intelligent N00b Gas. If you read this, I'd love it if you reviewed, and I'll listen to all constructive critisism you have to give me!


	2. Chp 1: Preparations

The Intelligent N00b: Chapter 1

Oops, thanks for pointing that out, Sentrosi! I'll change it to Traiborn in future chapters, Chapter 2 notincluded.

Fruitalicious, I'm glad you liked it:)

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"This is the Lab!" Trailborn announced, looking quite pleased with himself.

The Wizards looked around unimpressed. The Lab appeared to be just another dinky floor in the Wizard's Tower. On the wall splattered in red paint read "THE LAB". In the north corner there was a cell much like the one that holds the Greater (or is it Lesser?) Demon at the top of the Wizard's Tower wth that maniac Wizard dude.

Close to the cell was a rack; what looked like metal bowls hung from it.Towards the east of the room, pressed against the wall, was a semi-circular table. There were jugs, potions, what looked like different dyes, ore, tweezers, rocks, and other various random objects.

"What is that cell for?" Wingstaff asked suspiciously, pointing his air staff at the cell. "Are we copying Crazy Psycho Wizard's idea of putting a Greater (or is it Lesser?) Demon in here?"

"No, of course not. We're already powerful enough – we don't need to train!" snorted Trailborn. "That is for holding n00bs. We must have two test n00bs – one to collect information from his brain to help us with the potion –oh wait n00bs don't have brains—well, inside functioning stuff, and the other n00b is for testing our Intelligent N00b gas on!"

"…And the bowls? What are the bowls for?" Wingstaff moved his staff so it touched the metal bowls.

"Those protect our heads from the stupidity waves n00bs automatically send out," Trailborn answered.

'Do those actually work?"

"Better safe than sorry!" Trailborn said. "Wizard Shadowbolt!"

Shadowbolt, unlike the other Wizards, wasn't disguised as some random Wizard. He had a Shadow Staff and and his own special attack… You guessed it, the Shadow Bolt. The Shadow Bolt is more powerful than a Fire Wave.

He wore robes that were a cross between shade robes and Wizard robes. You never see him while you're roaming the different levels of the Wizard's Tower because his robes blend in to the

shadows, and if you place your cursor over the shadows where you think he is, his name and level blends in, too.

Wait, what am I talkin' about? Cursor? Huh? I act as if the land of RuneScape is some sort of…online RPG game!

Shadowbolt coughed. "Wizard Trailborn…I assume you called my name for a reason?"

Trailborn gave him a funny look. "Huh?"

Sighing, Shadowbolt quoted a snippet of the text above:

"Those protect our heads from the stupidity waves n00bs automatically send out," Trailborn answered.

'Do those actually work?"

"Better safe than sorry!" Trailborn said. "Wizard Shadowbolt!"

Speaking slowly as if talking to a mentally retarded n00b, (aka normal n00b)Shadowbolt said, "So I was wondering why you said my name."

"Yes, yes, I get that now! I'm not stupid!" snapped Trailborn. "Anyway, I called you because you are our fighter/assasin/hunter dude…"

"Yeah, I think we all know that," Wyrpin told Trailborn.

"Wizard Wyrpin, I'm saying this so readers (if there are any, meep) know that Shadowbolt is our fighter/assasin/hunter dude."

"I'm confused," said Wyrpin.

"You always are, Wizard Wyrpin. Now can I get on with it?" shouted Trailborn aggrivated.

Silence.

"Thank you," hissed Trailborn. "As I was saying, Wizard Shadowbolt, as our fighter/assasin/hunter dude, will get the two test n00bs. Don't go easy on them."

"Okay, okay. I'll wrestle 'em into a shadow in the Lumbridge Castle, knock 'em out, stuff em in my backpack, and rush on over here."

"Good plan, Wizard Shadowbolt," cackled Trailborn.

"Evil d00ds cackle, Wizard Trailborn, and we're good guys…we're trying to rid the world of evil!" said Wyrpin.

"N00bs," corrected Wingstaff.

"Same thing."

Shadowbolt shook his head and teleported to his room. (All the Wizards could teleport to their own separate rooms.) He polished his Shadow Staff, put on gray Wizard robes (n00bs often asked hiim "d00d were u get dat1/1/" when he stood in the sun, visible), black boots, black gloves, and a gray Wizard hat. He then completely emptied his backpack and sprayed the strongest level of "N00b Disinfectant" inside. He sharpened a Rune Dagger and poured Weapon Poison on it just in case something happened to his Shadow Staff and slipped it into his belt.

There is the end of Chapter One! Please tell me if you liked it or not, or how I can improve!


	3. Chp 2: N00bs and Energy Power

The Intelligent N00b: Chapter 2

Strife001, I'm so glad you liked it! That's hilarious, 200 flax and some chocolate bars for all that:p I think the only tip you'll gain from reading this fic is to smash em at first sight, lol… :D

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Shadowbolt cast the spell "Weather Forecast" and combined it to "Teleport to Lumbridge", creating the weather forecast to Lumbridge. It was accurate 95 of the time.

On the wall appeared a bright yellow and orange sun.

"Great," Shadowbolt hissed. His Shadow Robes only made him hidden in the shadows if it was cloudy or rainy but not when it was sunny. The runes needed to cast Invisibility were hard to obtain (non Runecraftable – only obtained as a drop of the Greatness-ish Powerful Demon, Lvl 983), and he only had enough runes to cast it one more time. He was saving those for when he went out hunting Greatness-ish Powerful Demons because he could only beat them when the Demon couldn't see him.

If that made any sense.

He sighed and teleported to Lumbridge. "Oh well, n00bs are too stupid to notice me," he thought.

Shadowbolt suddenly appeared in Lumbridge and swayed slightly, dizzy from the stupidity waves n00bs sent out. Splashing himself with water from the fountains of Lumbridge Castle, he looked around to find his victims.

He didn't have to look hard because behind him, one level three, two level fours, and one level six were following him.

"can I hav ur cloths"

"im poor giv me mony"

"wanna b mi bf"

"wers teh bank?11!"

Shadowbolt quickly stuffed the two level fours in his backpack and cast Shadowbolt on the level three and the level six.

Then, he teleported back to the Wizard's Tower, blended in with the shadows to not disturb the mages practicing magic on the Lesser Demon upstairs, and snuck up to Traiborn's level in the Tower.

Traiborn, seeing Shadowbolt with a writhing backpack, set up a few poisonous plants by the doorway to poison all people except wizards coming up. That way, they'd run back to the bank to deposit all their stuff before they died (if they were smart enough to see the "poisonous" label and the little green hits constantly appearing all over their body), giving the Wizards more time to do their things.

"Did you have trouble finding these?" Traiborn said, pulling the n00bs out of Shadowbolt's backpack and knocked them out with the end of Traiborn's staff.

"There were four n00bs following me barely after I arrived there!" Shadowbolt groaned. "There's only one place scarier than land-full-of-lvl-1782s-that-kill-you-if-you-get-in-range-of-them."

"That is…?"

"LUMBRIDGE." Shadowbolt teleported to his room to get a bit of rest. His energy level was decreasing fast from all of the stupidity waves.

Runescape Science Lesson!

A dude in a white apron, err, labcoat, with a huge gray mustache and really bad sideburns come out.

"Hi, I'm Bob," says the dude. "I'm going to give you a science lesson on "Energy levels and N00bs".

Traiborn groaned.

Bob hit him on the head and smiled at the camera. Audience. Reviewers.Then, he began to talk.

"Say, a n00b comes up to you, wanting your Dragon Longsword for 25 coins and a Bronze Med Helm. You tell them no. The almighty Zamorak (or Saradomin or Guthix, whomever you worship) restricts you from slicing off the n00bs head for you 'aren't in the wilderness'. Damn you, Gods. You block them, but they're stupidity waves break the block barriers and flood into your head. 'ill trade m cape 4 ur cape', the n00b says, taking off his simple red cape and reaches for your Fire Cape. You scream, scared, praying to Zamorak (or Saradomin or Guthix) to spare you from the stoooooopidness of the n00b!"

"Hey, get on with this "Science Lesson", I want to get on with the storyline where I get to have sex with a hot g-"

"Shut up, the author doesn't want to freak out the readers by notifying them that an old Wizard guy is going to get screwed. K? I'm almost done with this Lesson anyway." Bob smiles again. "The only thing you can do it run, so you sprint off towards Draynor, hoping that the Draynor Jail Guards will fend off the n00b. But suddenly, you stop running. Your energy meter is at 0! Er, your legs can't run any longer! How did that happen? It was full just a second ago. And hey. It's not building up again. Your agility is level 70 and it's taking three minutes to go up 1! That is because a n00b's stupidity waves kill your energy power." Bob smiled yet again for good measure and teleported away.

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So what did you think of it:D Review review review!


	4. Chp 3: The Making of the Potion

I was in Lumbridge (leaving the Duel Arena and going off to chop Willows in Draynor) when a lvl 6 guy popped up (from getting killed I assume) and he began to follow me. I was out of run energy so I go into Lumbridge Castle to try to trap him behind a door and he begins to shout "where da is lubrige?1!1!" shrugs Crazy n00b.

I hate n00bs who ask where's Lubrige when they're in Lumbridge, don't you?

FlamesofEternity, thanks! I'm glad you like the stupidity waves :D

SSJ4, thank you :D Haha, I never noticed that.

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Traiborn entered the lab and immediately grabbed a bowl from the rack, and set it upon his head.

"Down to business," he sighed, picking up an empty vial and filling it with water.

The Wizard got discouraged after many failed attempts. His brown apron was splattered with a variety of colors and he smelled of Marrentill. Seconds away from giving up, an idea hit him.

"Ow!" Traiborn yelled. That idea sure was sharp. He shook his head and used the idea emote over and over again. "I'll make an anti-posion potion by adding Marrentill, but instead of ground unicorn horn, I'll put in n00b fingernails! Making it an anti-n00b potion!" Traiborn used the idea emote again but an unknown force hit him, so he went back to his new potion. "Then, I'll extract some of the properties of my good ol' lvl 126 friend with 99 in every skill (Zezimo, friend of Zezima ;D ) but use PhotoShop, er, WizardShop, and warp it to lvl 1 in every skill! That way it will have Zezimo's intelligence and politeness, and they won't own everybody! And instead of bragging about their beautiful bronze shortsword and rare bronze medium helmet, we'll copy Zezimo's bank but replace the 4815162342108.815 Mil GP with 1k and the full Dragon armor with full iron! And using WizardShop erase all the rest!"

Grabbing some Marentill, he stuffed itt into a vial of water and grabbed a steel dagger. He cast Uber Duper Entanglement of Cow Breath (a spell that required 1 Nature Rune, 5 Airs, 2 Fires, and 2 Cowhides that binds for 1 minute) on one of the n00bs in the cage and took off his "Gloves of Power" (aka Leather Gloves). He then scraped off the tips of the n00b's fingernails with his steel dagger and gathered it in his mortar and pestle. Grinding it up some more, he poured the dust into the Unfinished Potion

Traiborn cast a spell (Laptop Spell, which requires 5 Fires, 5 Airs, 5 Natures, and a lvl 75 in Nerdiness) and got to work taking screencaps of Zezimo's bank/skills and changing them in WizardShop. When he was done, he printed … er … magically got the WizardShop creations onto a Newcomer's Map, lit it on fire wth a Tinderbox, and poured the ashes into the Anti-N00b Potion.

The Wizard cast an Air Wave onto the first n00b inflicting 15 damage on him.

"d00d! ill get u!1!11!" the n00b shouted right befoe he crumpled up and got teleported to Lumbridge.

"I'm sure," Traiborn muttered. He shook the potion up a little bit (high lvl potions should be shaken, not stirred. /James Bond) and popped out the cork again.

"Drumroll, please!" the Wizard shouted and immediately, a track called "Drumrollio" appeared in Traiborn's RuneScape Music Player and it began to play. He poured one out of three doses of the potions onto the remaining n00b and then…

It exploded and killed everyone on Gielinor. Wee.

"WHAT!" Traiborn shouted.

Saradomin sighed. "The drumroll made me do it!" Saradomin said in a high squeaky voice.

"Must…restore… balance!" Guthix cried and toppled over.

Zamorak groaned and yelled, "Am I the only God who has any sense? Saradomin you chicken. Go tend to the daisies in the Tree Gnome Stronghold. They got trampled."

"MY DAISIES!" Saradomin screeched and ran in the direction of the Tree Gnome Stronghold.

"Ahem, Zamorak? Since you're the only God who has any sense (Author's Note: Guess which God I worship?) could you-"

"Sure thing kid," Zamorak said.

"Thanks."

Traiborn poured one dose of the potion onto the test n00b's head and…

POOF!

"Where am I?" the n00b, now with full iron and an iron scimitar, asked Traiborn.

"Unknown level of the Wizard's Tower," Traiborn replied casually. "Wait…ZOMG YOU DIDN'T USE N00BSPEAK! ZOMG ZOMG ZOOOOOOOMG!"

The n00b (well, not a n00b anymore) said, "Excuse me, Mister, but I really should be getting back to Al Kharid soon."

"ZOMG YOU SAID AL KHARID! Not Al Karind! Or Karyd! ZOMG ZOMG!" Wizard Traiborn screamed.

"YO ER! You old hag let me out of this cage!" the low level screamed.

"Where are your manners?" Traiborn sobbed. Then the Wizard realized Zezimo wasn't completely polite all the time and recovered from his heart attack. Teleporting the low level to Al Kharid, he then made the 2/3 doses of potion into a gas.

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End file.
